If someone would have told me a few years ago that I would be a devout Catholic, one who follows all the dogma, doctrine and precepts to the best of his ability, believes in the infallibility of the Pope and Magistarium of the Church and all of it’s teachings, I would have told them they were out of their minds. In my mind, there was no .
...In my mind, there was no way I would ever be a Catholic!way I would ever be a Catholic...again. I say again, because I was first confirmed and received into the Church in 1991. But, at the time I had no clue what being Catholic really meant, despite the fact I went through RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults). The parish I came into was in Southern California...and as I look back, it was a very liberal parish and suffered much from the predominate ideology of the times...“Don’t teach doctrine, concentrate on feelings!” I did not receive any practical formation and I certainly wasn’t taught many of the Truths of the Church. Despite that fact, here I am now, by the grace of almighty God, a loyal devout Catholic Christian. In a lot of ways...I came here kicking and screaming the whole way. That is, until I eventually realized that God was in charge of my life. As I am writing this, I am reminded of a bumper sticker that I used to see, “God is my co-pilot!” but in my new Catholic mindset, He’s not my co-pilot...no, I have given the entire controls to Him. God is the pilot and I’m just along for the ride.

How did this all happen? It might help to give a little background of my life. I was born in February of 1964 in Tulsa, Oklahoma. While I was growing up, church was never really a big part of my life. Although my family did attend the Church of Christ when I was young, we left when I was between the ages of 7 and 10. In many ways this shaped my views of Christianity. Although God was not a priority in our home, we did at least have some belief in Him. But my views of church were formed early on when I heard my parents complain about how “their” church only cared about money. I was told that all they ever heard from the pulpit was that the church needed money for this or that. So, I grew up thinking that “organized” religion was really just a form of politics, and that God really didn’t care how we worshiped him...just as long as we believed in him. Of course my belief in God was very superficial. I knew very little about the Bible, and really only knew about Christianity by what I had seen in movies and TV. Other than that I had no real understanding of salvation and God’s redemption of us through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus. To me, Jesus was just a holy man who taught some “good” ways to live. I knew that He was the Son of God, but really didn’t understand the significance of what that meant.

For the most part I grew up in a very secular home. However, in no way do I blame my parents for this, we were really just a product of the times. For the most part my family was average. We did average things and had average interests. We enjoyed being together and in a lot of ways I saw that my family was a more loving family than most of my friends’ families. I had several friends who’s parents were either divorced or were really unloving. I felt lucky in that regard...at least my family loved me.

However, I did feel a need to be accepted by my peers. I tried to fit in... I was too small to be in sports, not good looking enough to be popular on that alone, so I turned most of my energy to fantasy. I became interested in Heavy Metal music since I played the guitar, and at least, in my mind, I was able to garner a bit of recognition, from my peers, for my talent.

I was attracted to rock music because I perceived that Rock Stars had all the glory, and the girls. Thus began a problem that would plague me for many years to come.

I turned to pornography and my fantasies to seek the fulfillment that I sought in some form of companionship. I remember that I was between 10 and 12 when I saw a pornographic magazine for the first time. I had no idea that I would spent a large amount of time for the next 27 years sneaking around and lying to feed the addiction that would nearly destroy my life. In my early years of school, I was a good student. But once I went to junior high, my grades and interest in school suffered. I began failing in most of my classes. It wasn’t that I couldn’t do the work, on the contrary I was quite capable, but I had just lost all interest. I was more interested in trying to be noticed and popular than in learning. So all through my high school years I struggled to keep afloat so that I could pass and graduate. After High School I went to a local small college for graphic design. As could probably have been predicted, I was more interested in doing anything other than school. So after a year, I dropped out.

As far as religion goes, by the time I reached my teens I had gone to a few different protestant churches with friends, but really didn’t feel connected enough to belong to any of them. Something just didn’t seem right with any of them. But, I knew I was a spiritual person. I knew that there had to be a higher power, something greater than us humans. I just had no clue where He could be found...or even if He wanted me to find Him. But, something urged me to search.

In my late teens I began to explore my spirituality. I became interested in eastern methods of meditation and read several books on philosophy. I considered myself an existentialist, and at that point in my life, I truly was. I can look back now and also see that this was the beginning of a sad and lonely chapter of my life. I was searching...but I had no idea for what. I was never really ever very popular in school so that only added to my loneliness. I so wanted to be liked by my peers. But I was small for my age and a bit awkward. I finished high school at the beginning of the early 80’s...the MTV era. I became really involved with New Wave/Light Punk music and I dressed in the New Romantic/androgynous style that was made popular by bands such as Adam and the Ants, Souxie and the Banshees, and Duran Duran. I wore my hair in a mohawk-style and wore pirate-style shirts and eye-makeup.

It was also during my late teens and early twenties that I started to experience members of the fairer sex being attracted to me. I thought in my mind that I had finally blossomed and I was going to finally be happy. In reality, I ended up in an endless spiral of brief relationships with no real meaning. Sex was the primary reason for these encounters and nothing much ever really came from them. But in some way, I reasoned that this was what life was all about.

It was the middle of the “Me” era and at that time of my life, it was indeed all about “Me.” It was also during this time in my life that I would become swallowed up by that very dark demon... pornography. It was everywhere, From the soft-core porn that passed as entertainment on MTV to the hard stuff of Adult Videos and Phone Sex. I became involved with it all. I was being attacked from all sides and I had no idea of the severity of the battle. I just brushed it off and reasoned that it wasn’t hurting anybody, so it was okay. I became desensitized to the reality of sex and it’s appropriate place in a loving relationship. Not to mention the emotionless encounters with girls in my personal life who really were not interested in anything other than sex anyway. In my mind, this just confirmed my belief that we humans were made for sex, The more the better.

So, then why did I feel so awful? I had an emptiness deep inside that could not be filled by any fantasy or sexual encounter. After a torrid summer of many lustful encounters I remember very distinctly sitting in my bedroom, depressed and feeling hopeless. I remember praying a prayer that would change my life profoundly, “Dear God...if you really exist, and if you really care...I’m tired of this life. I need someone to share my life with...someone who cares.” Many weeks went by, and I had pretty much put that prayer of desperation out of my mind. But then I met the love of my life...Michelle.

Although I didn’t know it or even acknowledge it at the time, Michelle was the answer to my prayers. However, unknown to her she would also become a fall-out victim of the war that was taking place in my soul. Michelle was a cradle-Catholic. She was the eldest daughter of a good family. They were the first Catholics I really had ever known.

Before Michelle, I had had a couple of semi-serious relationships, but they ultimately ended in disappointment. But, I could tell Michelle was different. We fell in love. And in the early months of our relationship we had a very romantic time. But, I was a wounded soul, and as a result she would ultimately suffer from my sins. It was also at this time that I was seeking to express my creativity as an artist. I had a talent for art and could draw and illustrate very well. After a failed year at a Graphic Design school I decided to try my hand at fashion design school. So I left Oklahoma and headed to California. I found a fashion design school there in Long Beach. What I found was even more temptation to feed my, by now serious addiction to porn and sexual fantasies. It was everywhere and especially in Hollywood, where I got a part-time job working at a trendy clothing store on Melrose Ave. Because of the way I dressed and looked, I fit right in. All that this really succeeded in doing was to fan the flame of my now growing ego. For the first time in my life I felt like I was popular and attractive. I was so unaware that there was much more to life than these shallow needs.

I must mention that Michelle came out and spent her summer vacation with me and she loaned me money so that we could live. We were dirt poor living on hotdogs from 7-Eleven and Skittles. Needless to say, I spent less than a year in Long Beach at this school and dropped out. Surprise, Surprise. So, I left California and moved back home to Oklahoma. After looking for work for awhile I decided the only thing to do was to join the military. So I enlisted in the Air Force.

After I joined the Air Force I was stationed in Southern California. Michelle and I decided to continue our relationship while she remained in Tulsa to finish out her degree in college. I actually excelled in my job as a graphic artist during my six years in Air Force. I was a hard worker and responded well to authority. And I was able to express myself creatively. But, my living situation in the Air Force was a breeding ground for sin. Virtually every weekend there was a virtual “orgy” taking place. Partying, alcohol and women were the rallying cries of dorm life. Almost everyone I knew was caught up in the fast life. And of course my addiction to porn became worse and worse. During my third year in the Air Force, Michelle finished college and we decided to get married. Looking back I can see that our marriage was destined for failure. I was engrossed by false fantasies of easy women. I had no clue what being a good husband was all about.

The big warning signal should have been evident by the constant arguing and pain we were experiencing in our then “long-distance” relationship. This was no basis for a long lasting successful marriage. I flew back to Tulsa for the wedding. The ceremony was one right out of a storybook. We got married at the Holy Family Cathedral in downtown Tulsa.

I had no clue about the Catholic Church at that point. To me, one church was just as good as any other. Michelle was the one who wanted to get married there, so that was fine by me. During the ceremony, we did something that is not frequently done these days; we had our marriage blessed by the Blessed Mother. During the ceremony we went over to the statue of Mary and ceremoniously received her blessing. At the time I had no clue what any of this was about, or why we were doing it. But looking back, I can see that Mary has been praying for us ever since. Because it has been only by God’s grace that our marriage has survived at all.

After we were married, Michelle moved out to California with me. We rented an apartment and began our life together. It didn’t take long .
I had no clue about the Catholic Church at that point. To me, one church was just as good as any other.for the battle that was taking place in my soul to start affecting our married life. I was truly addicted to pornography, and my life was just one big lie after lie after lie. I would rack up phone bills on dial-a-porn numbers or I would buy pornographic magazines. Michelle would confront me about the bills and the magazines; I would lie about them or play it off and thus would be the never-ending cycle that would predominate our lives. I was being pulled down into the pit of darkness with no hope for getting out. Or at least I didn’t foresee any hope. That is until we decided to start going to church. Actually Michelle suggested it, so we started attending a Catholic Church in Riverside, California. Soon after that I decided that maybe I should become a Catholic. I didn’t have any reasons for joining other than I thought maybe it would help me spiritually...and help pull me out of the hole I was being pulled into. So I went through RCIA and was accepted into the Church on Easter of 1991.

Knowing what I know now, I can see I was taught very little in the way of theology and doctrine. The classes were held at a team member’s home and the sessions would always seem to focus on reading the coming Sunday’s readings from the Bible and then talking about our thoughts on the readings. How did we feel? How did the scriptures “speak” to us? Nevertheless, this was my introduction to Catholicism.

I even went on to sponsor someone after I became a Catholic, and the classes were always the same, touchy-feely and little Truth. I knew so little about the Truth that I still had a firm belief that abortion was a woman’s choice, that all birth control was fine, the death penalty was absolutely necessary. I also felt divorce was a necessity in some instances, and a person should be aloud to get married after divorce without any stigma...of course I didn’t have any clue of the true teachings of Jesus himself on these things. Inevitably by 1994 we had stopped going to church altogether.

It was also during this time that I finished my term in the Air Force. It was time to take charge of my own destiny. So I started a freelance graphics business and tried to make it on my own. But I was no where near disciplined enough and always found myself distracted. Especially since we now had a computer in our home. We bought a house and moved out of the apartment. Shortly after we were married Michelle got a job as a second grade school teacher. So financially we were mostly fine. But since we were relying on her income for most of our needs, it put a tremendous strain on our already strained marriage.

In retrospect our marital roles were completely reversed from what they should have been. But we rationalized it, or at least I did, by saying that we were just being a modern couple. I don’t think Michelle was ever totally convinced of this, but was just following my flawed leadership. We also had decided early on that children were not going to be a part of our life. At least not for a while anyway. Which was probably a good thing, when looking back at how messed up our relationship truly was. I would have been a horrible father to say the very least.

After failing at my freelance job and accumulating a substantial amount of debt, I decided to take a job that was offered to me by the Riverside Transit Agency as a graphic artist. I had done some freelance work for them so they asked me if I would like to come to work for them full-time. I accepted and did fine for a while. But the battle for my soul still raged on and I would soon take a fatal hit.

The darkness came back with a vengeance. Actually, it never left...but now it was determined to pull me even deeper into the abyss. With the introduction of the Internet at work and at home, I had a ready supply of porn at my fingertips, and I fell deeper and deeper into the pit. Along with that, I had rejected “organized religion,” code word for Catholicism.

I had known some Christians from other denominations, and some even tried to bring me “home.” But they always seemed to come off self-righteous and condemning. Ghandi, though a Hindu, admired the writings of the Gospels, and especially loved Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. He was once asked why didn’t he convert to Christianity. He replied by saying, “I’ve never met one!” I can understand that thought, the only person I ever saw as maybe a “good” Christian was my mother-in-law and she tried in her own way to evangelize us. But, I now see that it’s most difficult to listen to those who are the closest to you. The other problem was that almost everything we got from her concerning Christianity was from Protestant sources...and most of these, especially the audio tapes I heard, came off as very self-righteous and in someways, very shallow. I got the impression that most of these “Christians” were slick salesmen for God and this really turned me off. So I was resolved to do things “my way.”

I began researching my family history and became very interested in the ancient ways of my ancestors. Being of Scottish and Irish descent I was drawn to the pagan ways of the ancient Celts. Ignoring of course, the fact that for the majority of Celtic history they were Christians. I researched and researched, and was convinced that this was the way I was supposed to go. I was going to revive the ancient ways of my ancestors...the customs that I had resolved that had been stomped into extinction by Christianity. So I became a pagan, worshipping many gods and goddesses and constructing different rituals to honor them. I began meditating again and spent time in prayer, to pagan deities. I continued this for several years, dragging Michelle along with me the whole way.

Michelle and I began to live a very secular life. We joined a local theater group and got involved in performing and producing plays. We accumulated a lot of friends and we really enjoyed ourselves. But, looking back, maybe we were just using it to escape our unsatisfactory home life. When you do a play, your evenings are taken up for six weeks at a time. And when we did musicals, it was even longer. We had found a family in the theater. But, it was keeping us from working on our own problems. Although during this period of our life we were going to counselors to try to “fix” them, nothing really ever seemed to work.

The year 1997 was the beginning of the end. I lost my job at RTA, in a large part due to the fact that I was using the company Internet to view pornography and for the same reasons I had failed before...I didn’t discipline myself enough to do my job. It was also that year that Michelle and I had planned to go to Scotland together, our first real vacation together. I lost my job the month before we left but we still went.

While we were in Scotland we experienced in our marriage for the first time in a long time, a renewed love for each other. We really enjoyed our time there. We had no worries and just enjoyed each other and the country. We were truly happy for twenty-one days. It was also during this time that we had decided to start trying to have children.

Upon our return home, I found a job with a graphics design studio. But this was a horrible job. They overworked everyone and expected complete control over everyone. “Job first, family second” was the mentality. Ultimately I lost that job, too. However, this time it wasn’t because I was neglecting my duties. I tried very hard to excel at this job, despite the abusive mentality of the employer. I was with them for three months and was let go. This was right before Thanksgiving and I became really depressed.

Idecided it was time to return back to school and finish my degree. I went to the local community college and started taking core classes for a degree. I excelled. For the first time ever, I was excelling at school. My confidence received a much-needed boost and I began to feel good about myself again.

I decided I was going to get a degree in Medieval European History and once I completed my courses at the community college I applied at the University of California in Riverside and was accepted. I began pursuing a study abroad option and I was accepted to attend the University of Glasgow in Scotland. I had ambitions of getting a degree in Celtic Studies and become a teacher.

I n February of 1999, Michelle and I had our first child, a son, whom we named, Connor Somerled Henderson. Connor, to honor his ancient Irish ancestry, because Connor was the name of a few great kings of Ireland and Somerled to honor the great Lord of the Isles in Scotland during the middle ages. I was very proud of our son and was just in awe of his birth. Despite all this, I was still resolved to continue my plans to go to Scotland to study. I was convinced that it was my calling. So, I flew to Scotland in September of 1999.

When I arrived I was full of ambition. This was going to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I was finally going to be “somebody.” However, notice here again, it was all about ME! I started out great and felt I was going to continue and really succeed. But one evening I was at a local software store and I purchase a computer game. It was a Dungeons and Dragons fantasy based game. This took me back to my younger days when I actually played the tabletop version of the game. I became obsessed with the game.

I spent every moment I could on playing it and even creating a complete add-on adventure for it. Eventually, I started skipping my classes...rationalizing that I could make up the work. But, I continued missing classes, until finally I lost hope of ever catching up. On top of this, I spent most of the time I wasn’t wasting on that game, engrossed in my porn addiction. I had the Internet in my flat and no one around but me. It was pitiful. I had become a recluse, rarely ever going out, except to get food or go to the local pub. I was again consumed by my passions. I had lost all hope of finishing my courses and the most horrible thing of all was I had been lying to Michelle the whole time. She was devastated when I finally told her and understandably very hurt and angry. Who wouldn’t be?

At this point, I couldn’t see how things could get any worse. A few months after my return home, things finally came crashing down. My mother-in-law was visiting us and it all came out. Michelle had finally had enough. She was full to the top with anger, and rightly so. I had hurt her so many times. We were arguing one evening and .
...we were not going to go back to the Catholic Church, so we went to a Presbyterian Church...one church was as good as any other, right?her mother suggested calling an intervention meeting with several of our friends. I was deep in denial and rationalized that I could fix it all. Ultimately, the outcome of this meeting was that I needed to go seek psychological help. Michelle told me that if I refused, it was over, she would get the papers and divorce me, and I believed she would have. I went to the psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with Bi-Polar disorder. In a way we were both relieved. Now we could fix it. I was put on medication and went to counseling.

We had also decided to go back to church for the sake of our son. But we were not going to go back to the Catholic Church, so we went to a Presbyterian Church. In some ways it was like the Catholic Church, but not in all ways. But we were okay with it...one church was as good as any other, right? Keep in mind, I still did not consider myself Christian and was holding on to my pagan ways.

When it looked like I was on the road to recovery and the dust of my Glasgow failure had settled we decided to finally have another child and began planning to move back to Tulsa. We wanted to get away from California for many reasons, too many bad memories and also for our children’s sake. We didn’t want to raise them in the secular, materialistic, overloaded society of Southern California.

Our second child, Fiona Elizabeth Henderson was born in November of 2001. By June of 2002 we had sold our home and moved back to Tulsa. We lived with Michelle’s parents while I looked for a job. We had decided in the beginning that we were going to do things right this time and that included her staying home with the kids and me getting the job.

A few months passed by and I began to become discouraged. I had gone to several places and applied but nothing seemed to work out. I remember sitting in the room we were staying in at my in-laws and I prayed a very destiny changing prayer, very similar to the one I prayed in 1985 that had brought Michelle into my life. These are the words I prayed... “God, I’m not sure what to believe anymore, if you really exist...then please help me, I need a job. Please help me to put my life right. If you do this for me...then I will give my life to You.”

Not long afterward, I got a lead through my brother that finally landed me a great job. It was as a graphic designer with a big car rental company and not long after that, we found a home. Things were finally falling into place. Of course I had conveniently forgotten about the prayer I prayed some weeks before. But God didn’t...and He was going to hold me to my word.

After I had obtained a job and we had found a home, Michelle’s mother gave us two tickets that she had won on the radio to a marriage seminar in Oklahoma City put on by an evangelical Christian family movement. Michelle and I agreed to go, but we didn’t know what to expect. We had a great day and learned a lot. Mostly I had learned that I been a horribly selfish person. How I wasn’t a good and loving husband in the least.

For the most part my selfishness was the prime reason for all the problems in our marriage. I was a mess. At the end of the seminar the presenters offered a rose to all who were attending if they felt they needed God’s forgiveness. Now, keep in mind I still wasn’t convinced there was a God. Well, I immediately got up; I can still see the look on Michelle’s face. She thought I was going to get the rose, as a gift to give to her. But I told her...I need forgiveness. I made my way down to the floor of the Civic Center. Lots of people were coming into the isles to come down and get their rose. Finally I made it to the floor and I was standing in a very long line leading up to the table. I was just standing there almost oblivious to the crowd and was bringing to mind all the terrible things I had done in my life. Remembering how I had been a failure of a husband and a miserable lost soul.

What happened next I can only described as a supernatural experience. While I was standing there, I felt this all-consuming presence come over me. I was overshadowed by something so big that I felt as if I didn’t even exist. In my mind I asked this question, “Is that you...uh.... God?” And His answer came back, very clearly... “Yes!” as if to say... “Welcome back, I’m so happy you finally found me.” At that moment I broke into tears. I was back in the arms of my Lord! The prodigal son had returned.

I stood there, for what seemed like an eternity, just sobbing. .
What happened next I can only described as a supernatural experience... And His answer came back, very clearly.Eventually I walked up and received my rose. I promptly returned to my seat and embraced Michelle as we both just sat there and cried. I was feeling so truly sorry for the hurt I had caused her. I didn’t mention to her my experience I had just had...because I wasn’t sure myself how to tell her or if she would even believe me. I didn’t even know if I could believe it myself.

For several weeks after that weekend I pondered what had happened. Was I still pagan? Or was I now a Christian? After some deep circumspection and prayer, I finally knew that I had to reject my notions of some false pagan pantheon and embrace the one true God. When we had gone back to our Presbyterian Church in Tulsa, I attended with a renewed love and appreciation for God. All through the month of November I began to do research. If I was going to be a Christian, then I wanted to do it the “right way.”

I knew Christmas was coming soon and I wanted to really celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ in a renewed way. So, I began researching advent customs and found several prayers and readings for the days of advent.

On the first day of advent I found the advent wreath that we had bought several years before and proceeded to place it on the kitchen table. Each night during advent we celebrated the days leading up to the miraculous birth of the baby Jesus. The customs I had found were a mixture of Presbyterian, Anglican, Orthodox and Catholic. But at this point I was not even sure which church was the True church...or if it even mattered.

After Christmas, Michelle told me it was the best Christmas we had ever had. I had to agree. So now I was .
So now I was finally faced with the question...Does it matter which church we go to?finally faced with the question...Does it matter which church we go to? During my search for advent customs I had come across many things that I had catalogued in the back of my mind. But I was still not convinced that we had to be Catholic or any other denomination.

What really made me start to think was when I started looking at the history of the Presbyterian Church itself. I discovered that there are and have been several Presbyterian branches, and they all these branches had varying differences of practice and beliefs about the right interpretation of Scripture. As I researched even more, I traced a trail that led me all the way back through John Knox and Calvin and finally back to Martin Luther. I was amazed at how so many denominations had been formed in the past 500 years since the 1500’s, and with the largest amount of new denominations being created in just the last 100 years. Why? Why in all the history of Christianity was there only one Church for 1500 years and then in the last 500 years there have been over 35,000 denominations that were now existing or had existed at one time? This just didn’t seem right to me.

Something about this really bothered me. So, I started to investigate what these different denominations believed to try to understand this. I soon discovered the following:

• The Lutheran Church believes in baptismal regeneration, the Baptist church does not.
  
  
• The Assembly of God denomination uses instrumental music during worship, the Church of Christ denomination believes instrumental music to be unbiblical.
  
  
• Presbyterians believe in unconditional atonement and irresistible grace, Methodists reject the two beliefs.
  
  
• The Lutheran church believes that worship should be liturgical, the Assembly of God church does not.

• The Church of Christ denomination believes that baptism should be administered by complete immersion only, Presbyterians believe pouring is acceptable.
  
  
• Methodists believe in the Trinity, Oneness Pentecostals do not.
  
  
• Lutherans affirm the fact that Mary remained a virgin throughout her life, Baptists reject this belief and say that Mary had other children.
  
  
• The Church of Christ denomination believes that baptism is necessary for salvation, the Baptist Church does not.
  
  
• The Methodist church accepts female ministers, while the Baptist church rejects female ministers as unbiblical.
  
  
• Episcopalians baptize infants, Pentecostals believe infant baptism to be invalid.
  
  
• The Baptist Church teaches that once a person is saved, he is always saved and can not fall from grace. The Church of Christ rejects this teaching as unscriptural.

Wow...it was so confusing. Of course the above findings are just a generalization, it’s even more complicated and convoluted than this, but I think you can see what I’m getting at.What was the Truth? Could I just choose what and how I wanted to believe? Was it really “My” choice? Certainly God wasn’t the author of this mess. If God really did exists, and at this point I firmly believed he did, then how could the Truth be a relevant truth? If the Bible was the only thing that was necessary to know the Truth, as Protestants teach, then why were their so many interpretations of the scriptures? I would read from some Protestant Christian sources that the Holy Spirit guides us all in the correct interpretation of the Word, but if that was indeed true, then why all the confusion?

If the Holy Spirit guided each and ever person in the correct interpretation of the Word, then why didn’t every Christian believe the same things?

Why all the need for different denominations? It just did not make much sense to me.

There was only one thing for me to do. I had to find the Truth...if it existed!

I wasn’t going to settle for second best...I wanted the WHOLE ENTIRE TRUTH. Nothing less. Why settle...my salvation was at stake.

Besides...God was now in control and He had something He wanted me to see!

I started my search for the Truth by approaching it as a detective. And detectives, lawyers and historians all have something in common...they dig until they find the Truth.

I had many questions as to why all these churchs had many different interpretations of Scripture. Then I though about how lawyers would handle a similar problem. If two lawyers disagree about the interpretation of a law, what do they do? They go to earliest use of that law to see how it was originally interpreted.

Being a history buff, I had to research the history. I had to go back to where it all began. I had to go past the 1500’s, past the beginning of the first Protestant church, back to the beginnings of Christianity and the Bible. Being a historian, I knew I could not trust so-called “history books” - there’s always a slant! i had to rely on primary sources. The original documents as they were written. I went back to the original Christians, the writings of the Early Church Fathers. If the truth was to be found it had to be there otherwise I would be forced to believe again that Truth doesn’t exists that we could essentially believe what ever we wanted to and I knew deep in my heart, that wasn’t the case.

As I begin to really read the Bible and studied the writings of the Early Church Fathers, I saw something that looked very different than what I was seeing in modern Protestant churches. I began to see the Truth emerge.

Only a few churches looked like the first churches of the first centuries of Christianity. I took a close look at the Church of the Book of Acts and the Church that Irenaeus describes in the second century as well as the Church of Justin Martyr, Clement of Rome, Mathetes, Polycarp, Ignatius, and Barnabas, all Christians living in the first, second and third centuries. I started to really examine what they truly believed and taught.

One interesting thing I discovered was that the Bible didn’t exist during this period. At least the New Testament didn’t. They did have the Old Testament that Jesus and the diciples had used...the Septuegint, but they did not have a formalized set of books that consisted as the New Testament yet. They had most of the writings, but not all together and they only had them on scrolls. Books hadn’t been invented yet. So It was almost impossible for any one person to own a complete set of these writings, much less multiple copies for every Christian of the day to own and read for themselves. Also, not everyone agreed on which writings were authoritative and divinely inspired.

As can be seen in the Book of Acts, Christianity of the first centuries was an oral religion. The Apostles would go from town to town and village to village preaching the Word of God as was the command of Jesus himself...

“Go and preach the Word.”

They certainly did not hand out Bibles and tell everyone to interpret for themselves what the Truth was. Yet, that’s exactly what many .
They (the Apostles) certainly did not hand out Bibles and tell everyone to interpret for themselves what the Truth was. Yet, that’s exactly what many Christians are doing today...and will argue by saying that it’s the way it always has been.Christians are doing today. And many will argue by saying that it’s the way it always has been. But I learned that this is not the case. This is exactly the reason for all the confusion. Not that I’m putting anyone down for thinking this or believing this way. It’s just the way they were taught. It’s just what they were told. Most people do not either have the time or the inclination to research the truth/history for themselves.

Anyway, getting back to the origin of the Bible. I learned that many, many writings existed during the first few hundred years of Christianity. For instance...over seventy “gospels” and other so-called epistles existed by the late three hundreds. People were just writing their own versions of the Truth. Most were fiction writers, for instance the “Gospel According Pontius Pilate,” but only a few of the writings were Holy inspired. So during the mid to late 300s the leaders of the Church saw a need to define an authoritative canon of what the divinely inspired Scriptures were.

The leaders of the Church set out to declare, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, which writings were the true divinely inspired writings of God.In the late 300s, the Church led by the Bishop of Rome, Pope St. Damasus I established a Council to determine which writings were the True and Inspired Word of God.

The great theologian St. Augustine and others decided what they should be, based on very specific critera and led by the Holy Spirit. They presented their findings to the pope. And again with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, Pope St. Damasus I declared in a decree, which books of the Bible were canonical. A decree was issued at the Council of Rome in 382 AD. and the Canon of the Holy Scriptures that they declared was the True Divinely Inspired Word comprised of the total books that exist to this day in the Catholic version of the Bible, not the Protestant version.

Martin Luther would later decide that seven books from the Bible were unimportant and it should be noted that he carried this out by “his” authority alone. He even says this in one of his own writings. But even Martin Luther would acknowledge that without the Catholic Church, we wouldn’t even have a Bible. He said in one his letters the following.

“We are compelled to concede to the Papists (The Catholic Church) that they have the Word of God, that we received it from them, and that without them we should have no knowledge of it at all.”

It would be the puritans in England during the 1600s that would get the 7 books permanently removed from the Protestant Bible.

So one of my questions had been answered. If the Protestant sources I would read were correct in saying that the Bible alone is all we need then were in the Bible did it say this? And if the contents of Bible were not even decided upon until the 400s and not everyone could own a Bible like they do now because of prohibitive cost and the writings existing only on scrolls, then how could the concept of “Sola Scriptura” even work in the first few centuries?

In addition, I researched the Middle Ages Process of making bibles. Bibles were quite prohibitively expensive. Gutenberg wouldn’t even invent the printing press for another thousand years and it was not until the 1800s that it became practical and inexpensive for almost everyone to own a Bible.

For me this threw “Sola Scriptura” of the Protestant Reformation right out the window. In fact in the 1500 years of Christianity before the Protestant Reformation there was absolutely no evidence for a belief in the “Bible Alone” concept that exists in Protestant churches today. Most people couldn’t even read...much less interpret the Bible for themselves. And if the Bible was truly all that was needed to be a Christian then what about all those people for the 1400 years before the printing press was invented? If you couldn’t own a Bible nor read, was Jesus just leaving them in the dark as lost souls? It would appear that Jesus had established an elitist religion if you had to believe in the Bible Alone to be a Christian. You must be able to read and have money to own a Bible, before you could be a Christian.

For Christians today in the modern western world, that’s not much of a problem, most everyone can afford a Bible and literacy is not the huge problem it was during the first 1800 years of Christianity. But from the time of Christ until the 1800’s, that would leave out almost everyone out except for the very rich and learned. I simply couldn’t believe that this was what Jesus had intended. The Bible itself says that personal interpretation would lead to error as can be seen in the writings of St. Peter where he wrote in 2 Peter 1-20:

Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation.

I discovered that most Christians were not even aware of the History of Christiainty or even heard of the Early Church Fathers or what has been believed consistantly from the 1st century of the Christian faith for the past 2000 years, that the Holy Scriptures “and” Sacred Tradition to interpret the Scriptures form the Word of God. No writings of the Early Church Fathers suggested they taught “Scripture Alone.” Sacred Tradition was necessary to understanding the scriptures and all the writings of the earliest Church Fathers showed this. Again the Holy Scriptures “and” Sacred Tradition form the complete Word of God.

Even the Bible itself will confirm this. For example in 1 Cor. 11:2 we hear Paul saying:

“I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the Traditions even as I have delivered them to you.”

And in 2 Thess. 3:6 he even orders them to keep the Traditions by saying:

“Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is living in idleness and not in accord with the Tradition that you received from us.”

What traditions was he talking about?

Everything was beginning to become really clear to me now. I could see what the Early Church believed about Sacred Tradition. And not once does Paul say, that the Scriptures are all you need. I was convinced that Luther’s doctrine of Sola Scriptura was wrong, and was the author of a whole slew of errors. Luther’s motive was clear to me.

Luther did not embrace the doctrine of Sola Scriptura because it was Biblical. On the contrary, he had embraced it because he could not accept the authority of the Church. Based on his skewed perception of a corupt and sinful institution. Since he rejected the authority of the Church, then in his mind he had no choice but to justify his position by stating that the Bible was the “sole” infallible source of Truth. Even though the Bible itself says something entirely different, as can be clearly seen in 1 Tim 3:15 where it says:

“The Church of the living God, is the pillar and foundation of truth.”

As a result of Martin Luther’s “mistake” and subsequent men who followed in his footsteps, man has been allowed to interpret God’s Holy Scripture any way they like, and the product of this has been disastrous. Here is just an example of what I mean. Most denominations today accept or at least ignore things that God has always taught against, like divorce, birth control and abortion. And now we live in the most divorce prone society that has ever existed. Birth control is seen as normal and even desirable (despite the fact it is directly in conflict with God’s first commandment to humans to be fruitful and multiply) and abortion is a direct result of the acceptance of birth control. Does this sound like the work of God’s Holy Spirit guiding the faithful? It didn’t to me.

In addition, the doctrine of Sola Scriptura assumes that “everything” we need is right there in the scriptures. Yet, the Bible itself says something different:

Look at John 16:12

“I have yet many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth.”

Just think about it. Jesus spent three years teaching the apostles during his ministry. It would have been impossible to contain everything he taught within the pages of several small books.

Eventually I would conclude that only two modern churches fit the model of the first church: The Orthodox Churches and the Catholic Church. Only these two churches looked anything like the church of the Early Christians. So I began compared the Orthodox and Catholics side by side.

As I started to compare the Orthodox church with the Catholic I made several discoveries. Each one was claiming to be the “first” church. Each one had Sacred Tradition, Apostolic Succession and many other similarities. And I saw that the vast majority of their doctrine was almost identical. For instance a belief in purgatory, the perpetual virginity of Mary, the communion of Saints, and so on.

Truthfully, I think that due to my still slight prejudices toward the Catholic Church I began to lean toward the Orthodox Churches at first. But reluctantly, the more I researched the more It became clear. I would find that the Orthodox Church had changed some of its teachings from time to time, especially in the area of divorce and remarriage. The Orthodox Church changed it’s stance on this issue and will, under certain circumstances allow remarriages to occur after a person divorces, sometimes allowing the same person to do this several times. To me, this flew right in the face of Jesus’ teaching on divorce when he said that it should be forbidden. The Catholic Church has been consistent on this teaching and everything else it teaches, for 2000 years.

By reading Holy Scripture, the writings of the Early Church Fathers of the first 500 years of Christianity and the Catechism of the Catholic Church I saw this consistency...nothing had changed in 2000 years. Everything that was being taught in the Catholic Church today, every single doctrine, was being taught 2000 years ago...every single one! Nothing had been added! So in the end I had no choice but to conclude that the One True Church was the Catholic Church.

What it came down to was the question of authority. This was the very thing that had caused the two Churches to split after the first thousand years of Christendom. And it was my investigation of this conflict that would lead me to the Fullness of Truth.

To examin this question of authority I went back to the Bible. I saw that Jesus gave the authority to lead the faithful to one man, Simon bar Jona, a.k.a. Peter...or as Jesus called him, Kephas....The Rock! Probably the most disputed line of scripture is Matthew 16:17-18.

And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church [not churches], and the powers of death shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Now some Non-Catholics will say Jesus Christ is not calling the apostle Peter “rock” at all. Some will argue that Jesus did not mean that his Church would be built on Peter but on something else like his “faith” or even Himself as the rock. But a closer look at this argument reveals much. For example, Protestants will argue that the Greek term used for Peter’s name (Petros) is not the same word and the term for rock (petra).

But what they fail to acknowledge is that Jesus spoke Aramaic and that the original book of Matthew was written in Aramaic...as can be testified by the writings of the Early Church Fathers. In fact the Bible itself in John 1:42 tells us, in everyday life Jesus actually referred to Peter as Kephas. Kephas is the Aramaic word for rock and it translates into Greek as petros. So what Jesus actually said to Peter in Aramaic was (trasliterated):

“You are Kepha and on this very kepha I will build my Church.”

But so that I could gain a clear understanding and not to be swayed by any modern aurguments...Again I went to the Church Fathers, those Christians closest to the original apostles in time, culture, and theological background, to get a clearer understanding of what they believed was true about this. The evidence was conclusive that they understood that Jesus promised to build the Church on Peter, as the following passages show:

“Be it known to you, my lord, that Simon [Peter], who, for the sake of the true faith, and the most sure foundation of his doctrine, was set apart to be the foundation of the Church, and for this end was by Jesus himself, with his truthful mouth, named Peter.”

“The Lord says to Peter: ‘I say to you,’ he says, ‘that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of hell will not overcome it. And to you I will give the keys of the kingdom of heaven . . . ‘ [Matt. 16:18-19]. On him [Peter] he builds the Church, and to him he gives the command to feed the sheep [John 21:17], and although he assigns a like power to all the apostles, yet he founded a single chair [cathedra], and he established by his own authority a source and an intrinsic reason for that unity. Indeed, the others were that also which Peter was [i.e., apostles], but a primacy is given to Peter, whereby it is made clear that there is but one Church and one chair. . . . If someone does not hold fast to this unity of Peter, can he imagine that he still holds the faith? If he [should] desert the chair of Peter upon whom the Church was built, can he still be confident that he is in the Church?

“There is one God and one Christ, and one Church, and one chair founded on Peter by the word of the Lord. It is not possible to set up another altar or for there to be another priesthood besides that one altar and that one priesthood. Whoever has gathered elsewhere is scattering.

“There [John 6:68-69] speaks Peter, upon whom the Church would be built, teaching in the name of the Church and showing that even if a stubborn and proud multitude withdraws because it does not wish to obey, yet the Church does not withdraw from Christ. The people joined to the priest and the flock clinging to their shepherd are the Church. You ought to know, then, that the bishop is in the Church and the Church in the bishop, and if someone is not with the bishop, he is not in the Church. They vainly flatter themselves who creep up, not having peace with the priests of God, believing that they are secretly [i.e., invisibly] in communion with certain individuals. For the Church, which is one and Catholic, is not split nor divided, but it is indeed united and joined by the cement of priests who adhere one to another.”

“[Christ] made answer: ‘You are Peter, and upon this rock will I build my Church. . . . ‘ Could he not, then, strengthen the faith of the man to whom, acting on his own authority, he gave the kingdom, whom he called the Rock, thereby declaring him to be the foundation of the Church [Matt. 16:18]?”

“It is to Peter that he says: ‘You are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my Church’ [Matt. 16:18]. Where Peter is, there is the Church. And where the Church is, no death is there, but life eternal.”

“I follow no leader but Christ and join in communion with none but your blessedness [Pope Damasus I], that is, with the chair of Peter. I know that this is the rock on which the Church has been built. Whoever eats the Lamb outside this house is profane. Anyone who is not in the ark of Noah will perish when the flood prevails.”

“See that ye all follow the bishop, even as Jesus Christ does the Father, and the presbytery as ye would the apostles; and reverence the deacons, as being the institution of God. Let no man do anything connected with the Church without the bishop. Let that be deemed a proper Eucharist, which is [administered] either by the bishop, or by one to whom he has entrusted it. Wherever the bishop shall appear, there let the multitude [of the people] also be; even as, wherever Jesus Christ is, there is the Catholic Church*. It is not lawful without the bishop either to baptize or to celebrate a love-feast; but whatsoever he shall approve of, that is also pleasing to God, so that everything that is done may be secure and valid.”

*St. Ignatius of Antioch's Letter to the Smyrneans contains the earliest reference we have to the Catholic or Universal Church in 110 AD. St. Ignatius was also a disciple of St. John the Apostle!!

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I had no choice but to conclude that the Catholic Church was the One Holy, Apostolic and Universal (Catholic) Church that was established by Jesus Christ Himself...

There are many more references that prove this claim, but these clearly show that the Early Church Fathers clearly understood that Peter was the absolute first leader of the Church. That the Church was “built” on the rock that was Peter and as you can clearly see, they even knew this early in the history of Christianity. I could not find one writing from any of the Church Fathers that said anything different. Not one. Nothing even resembling the non-Catholic interpretation of Matthew 16:18 existed until Martin Luther and his doctrine of “Sola Scriptura,” came about. Therefore based upon the conclusive evidence the Protestant interpretation had to be false.

If the Early Church Fathers were correct, then Peter was indeed the first Bishop of Rome. And if Peter was the first and the chief of all the Apostles then I had to conclude that the Orthodox Church was wrong in rejecting the authority that Jesus himself had established. I had no choice but to conclude that the Catholic Church was the One Holy, Apostolic and Universal (Catholic) Church that was established by Jesus Christ Himself, with Peter and his ecclesiastical descendants as it’s leader on earth in union with all the other bishops of the Church.

If I had to accept this teaching based on scripture and the Early Church Father’s understanding of it, then I therefore had to accept their teaching on the Authority of the Bishop of Rome. Which would lead to my acceptance of the divine protection of the teachings of the Catholic Church, with the Holy Spirit guiding the Pope and the Magestarium of the Church infallibly throughout all time and into the present in matters of faith and morals.

Just to clarify, Saying that they are infallible does not mean that everything thing they say and do is sinless or without error, that’s impeccability, not infallibility. Infallibility is only applied when the Popes and the bishops are in union with one another when speaking in matters that concern faith and morals. This was Jesus’ promise to always guide them and prevent them from making any errors to the teachings as Christ revealed to the world.

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...not one teaching of the Church had ever changed from the earliest of times to the present day. ...NOTHING has ever been changed to directly contradict any teaching.

And in my research I would further discover that not one teaching of the Church had ever changed from the earliest of times to the present day. Everything that the Early Church Fathers taught and wrote about are still being taught and believed to this very day. Doctrine on Christ, Mary, salvation, the Eucharist, etc. All of it belived today...just as it was 2000 years ago. 21 official councils in the Catholic Church and NOTHING has ever been changed to directly contradict any teaching. Not one teaching of the Catholic Church in all of 2000 years has ever changed! Only our understanding has changed.

This was absolutely amazing to me. How could any human-led organization remain true to its doctrine and dogma without changing something in 2000 years? How could this be possible?

The only answer was found in Holy Scripture. Christ instructed the Church to preach everything he taught (Matt. 28:19-20) and he promised the protection of the Holy Spirit to “guide you (the Church) into all the truth” (John 16:13). If the Church were to have changed any of it’s teachings then Jesus would have been a liar. His promise guarantees the Church would never fall away or teach in error, even if individual Catholics might do so and even if individual Popes themselves throughout history might have been horrible sinners, that’s the even more miraculous and supernatural aspect of it all. Despite the times when the “human” leaders of the Church were corrupt, sinners just like you and me...like every human that has ever lived except for Jesus (who was both God and Human) and His mother, Mary, the teachings of the Church always remained intact and whole. The Truth was NEVER EVER changed. It couldn’t change, because Jesus made a promise that He wouldn’t let it change.

As I would continue to research I would discover how other denominations have changed their teachings and interpretations of the Holy Scriptures as they saw necessary. This is most evidently demonstrated by the Episcopal Church’s acceptance of birth control in the 1930’s, which I must add, that all Christians before the 1930’s held and believed that birth control was a grave and moral sin. Yet after the Episcopal Church accepted it, one by one, all other denominations followed suit.

Every church accepted it that is...except the Catholic Church.

So there you have it...The Complete Fullness of Truth!

Once I had done the research and discovered the truth, I had no doubt in my mind that Jesus created one Church, and this in turn would lead me to discover the “tools” that Christ gave us through the Catholic Church to help us live in truth and happiness.